


Introduction to Fifth Dimensional Zoning Practices

by Deifire



Category: Community, Twilight Zone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 16:13:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/599692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deifire/pseuds/Deifire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Submitted for your approval, one community college study group at the start of a new semester. Seven students who don't know they've just been enrolled in a crash course in The Twilight Zone.</p><p>Takes place post-Season 3, at the beginning of Winter Semester, January 2013.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Introduction to Fifth Dimensional Zoning Practices

**Author's Note:**

  * For [magpieinthesky](https://archiveofourown.org/users/magpieinthesky/gifts).



**Monday**

“I think there’s something in the vent,” said Abed.

“Troy's monkey?” Shirley wondered. “Chang again? I hope it's not Chang again. I thought we were through with him popping out of vents after he moved to City College and then had his little episode”

As if on cue, there was a horrible clanging noise from the study room vent. Jeff looked up from his brand new smartphone just in time to see the grate fly across the study room and the group’s former Spanish teacher tumble out.

Jeff sighed. Twenty minutes into a new winter semester at Greendale, and things had already taken a turn towards the typical.

“There’s something in the vent!” Chang shouted. “There’s a man in there!”

The group exchanged a collective look. 

“You mean, besides you?” Shirley ventured.

“Of course, besides me! And it’s not a man, exactly. It’s man-shaped, but more, you know, fuzzy looking.”

“Oh, you mean Annie’s Boobs,” said Troy.

“Can we please have another discussion about renaming the monkey?” asked Annie.

“No, not the monkey!” shouted Chang. “You think I don’t know what a monkey looks like?! No, this is bigger, more hideous. Like a gremlin.”

“That’s impossible,” said Troy. “Vent gremlins don’t actually exist. They’re a story veteran air conditioning repairmen use to scare rookies.”

“Wait, vent gremlins are a thing?” said Jeff.

“You don’t believe me?” said Chang.

“It’s not that we don’t believe you, Ben,” said Britta. “It’s just that, well, last year you had that nervous breakdown after failing to take over the school. As a trained second-year psychology major, I think…”

“What? That I’m going crazy again?” said Chang. “Well, maybe I am. But maybe that doesn’t make the thing in there any less real. And maybe you’ll all be sorry when it escapes and eats your faces!”

With that, Chang strode out of the study room, flourishing the remains of the tattered tablecloth he’d been wearing as a cape.

“Well, it’s refreshing to know this semester isn’t going to be any less weird,” Jeff said, turning back to his phone.

“Hey, is that your new phone?” Troy asked.

“Yep,” said Jeff.

“Did you get the new Enraged Ducks: Inspector Spacetime crossover app? Enraged Ducks vs. Blorgons?” asked Abed.

“Of course I did. By the way, does anybody know how to get past Level 3-10? I’ve been stuck on that one all morning.”

“Is that the level in Elizabethan England?”

“Yeah. I’ve got six Blorgons to kill with two constable ducks, that weird pink alien duck, and a duck I think is supposed to be William Shakespeare. It attacks by dropping little quill pens…”

“Well, I have also decided to embrace current technology,” said Britta, as Troy and Abed gathered around Jeff offering suggestions. “I bought this digital camera. I think it’ll help me really take my photography in new directions.”

Jeff started to say something, then decided to let it go, as Britta aimed the camera in his direction and snapped a picture.

“Huh. That’s weird,” she said as she examined the shot, then handed the camera to Jeff.

“What’s weird? The way your thumb is blocking half the frame, and you’ve cut off everyone’s heads?” said Jeff.

“I’m learning,” said Britta. “And for your information, I didn’t need to get everyone’s heads. It was supposed to be a still of Troy’s backpack. No, what’s weird is what’s beside the backpack. Does that look like a pie to you?”

“There’s no pie in the study room, Britta,” said Abed.

“No, but look at the picture.” Jeff had to admit that the object she was indicating on the table next to Troy’s backpack did look like an out-of-focus pie.

“Man, I wish we did have some pie right now,” said Troy.

“I think there's something wrong with this camera,” said Britta. “That could explain why the photos in my roadside debris series keep coming out blurry.”

Jeff was deciding whether or not to comment on that one, when Garrett appeared in the study room door.

“Hey, does anybody want any pie?” Garrett asked. “My grandmother sent me a care package, but she forgot I’m deathly allergic to boysenberry.”

“Aww,” said Annie and Shirley.

“Wait, why is Garrett’s grandmother accidentally almost killing him with baked goods worth an ‘aww’?” asked Jeff

“Yes, thank you,” said Troy, as he grabbed the pie out of Garrett’s hands. He put it down next to his backpack, as Garrett backed slowly out of the study room. “Abed, I wished for pie and made pie happen!”

“Either that, or Britta’s camera can photograph the future,” said Abed.

“Whoa,” said Troy.

“Or possibly both,” said Abed.

“Whoa,” said Troy again. 

“Hey, as long as you’re wishing for things, can you wish for high-quality episodes during seasons four, five, and six of _Cougar Town_ on TBS?”

“Already done,” said Troy.

“Cool. Coolcoolcool,” said Abed. They exchanged their special handshake. 

“Can I see your camera?” said Troy to Britta.

“Sure.” She handed him the camera and he pointed it at Annie and Shirley. 

“Smile,” he said. They did. “I want to see what Annie looks like when she’s old and what Shirley looks like when she’s really old,” Troy said, then snapped the picture. He studied the resulting image, looking puzzled.

“What’s wrong?” asked Britta.

“Well, Shirley’s not smiling and Annie’s not there,” said Troy.

“What do you mean I’m not there?” said Annie.

“Maybe you didn’t center it right,” offered Britta.

“No, I don’t think so,” said Troy. “See, there’s Annie’s chair, but Annie’s not in it.”

“What does that mean? That I'm not in the future?” said Annie.

“How do I look?” asked Shirley. “Do I look old? Just how far into the future is Troy taking pictures?”

“Guys, whoa,” said Jeff. “Things are starting to sound insane, and Pierce isn’t even here yet. Troy, you cannot make pie happen. Britta, your camera is obviously broken. Take it back and get a refund. Annie, you exist in the future. Shirley, you’re not old. Abed, whatever movie, TV show, or pop culture phenomenon you’re about to reference, don’t.” 

Abed, who had just opened his mouth, shut it.

“Look, I just had an entire vacation away from Greendale’s special brand of crazy, and I have to say, I liked it,” Jeff continued. “Not that I didn’t miss you guys, but I’m asking could we maybe dial back the bananapants just a little and try to focus on having one normal semester?”

As Jeff looked around the table, the members of the group nodded. 

"Good," said Jeff, and turned back towards his phone.

“But I’m still going to wish that Annie never goes anywhere. Also, for ice cream to go with this pie,” said Troy.

“Aww,” said Annie.

“Okay, aside from that, good,” Jeff said at last. “The next thing you know, you all were going to start believing in Chang's vent gremlins.”

Head went from nodding to shaking, with various expressions of denial. "No, that man just needs help," said Shirley.

As she spoke, Pierce walked into the room. A tired-looking, hollow-eyed Pierce sporting a large bandage on his forehead.

“Pierce, you look terrible,” said Annie. “Are you okay?”

“I’m the tiredest man in the world,” said Pierce, taking his seat. “Also, I had a car accident.”

“Oh, no! What happened?” asked Britta.

“Did I ever tell you guys about the time I banged Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom?” Pierce began.

A collective groan rose from around the table.

“What? It’s relevant!” said Pierce. “She's trying to kill me in my sleep!”

***  
_Submitted for your approval, a seven-member study group getting together at the start of a typical semester at a school that is anything but typical. Its members, in no particular order, include Pierce Hawthorne, an aging heir to a moist towelette empire; Troy Barnes, a former high school football star and current air conditioning repair school messiah; his best friend, Abed Nadir, a man with a unique relationship to popular culture; Britta Perry, a psychology major and decidedly ameteur photographer; Annie Edison; a driven young future hospital administrator; Shirley Bennett, a devout Christian sandwich shop owner; and finally, Jeff Winger, a former lawyer who just wants to enjoy his newly acquired mobile device, and if possible, experience one normal semester before he graduates. But this will not be that semester, because this semester, they'll all be taking a crash course...in the Twilight Zone._

***

Jeff looked up from his game. “Did anybody else just hear something in the hall?”

“No,” said Troy.

"Did it sound like someone narrating?" asked Abed.

“I was listening to Pierce tell his disturbing story,” said Shirley. “Go on, Pierce. Then what happened?”

“Well, I was driving to Dildopol...er, a local retail establishment, and I kept getting the feeling that someone was watching me from the backseat. Intellectually, I knew that was impossible. And there was no way it could be her. Still, I missed a stop sign and crashed anyway. When I woke up in the hospital, the doctors said I had to take it easy, or I could be risking a heart attack. For real, this time. And I tried, but every night when I go to sleep, I have the same dream. I’m at a carnival and there’s Eartha Kitt. She seduces me, and then gets me to take chances that terrify me. She lures me into the House of Horrors, she lures me onto the roller coaster, she lures me into trying to be best friends with Ben Chang again…” 

Pierce paused, and shuddered. “It’s not that I don’t enjoy the erotic component of this series of nightmares, but I can’t shake the feeling that one night I’m going to go to sleep and not wake up.”

“Pierce, that’s terrible!” said Annie.

“I don’t know what I did to her to make her want to kill me,” said Pierce. “I never even called her after our encounter in that airplane bathroom. And I kept my promise never to tell anyone. Well, mostly.”

“Dean-dong!” said a voice from the doorway. “Hello, Jeffrey! Hello, rest of Jeffrey’s study group!”

Pierce screamed. “It’s Eartha! She’s finally come from my dreams into the real world to destroy me!”

“Pierce, it’s just the Dean in a vintage Catwoman costume,” said Jeff. “For some reason.”

But it was too late. Pierce screamed again and ran out of the room.

“I’ll go check on him,” said Annie, and ran after him.

“Now, what was that all about?” said the Dean. “I’m dressed like this to announce that over the break, we finally replaced our obsolete library _cat_ -alog with a brand-new system. We’re having free ice cream in the cafeteria to celebrate.”

“Ice cream,” Troy whispered to Abed. Then to the Dean, "Can we bring our own pie?"

Annie walked back into the room.

“How’s Pierce doing?” asked Jeff.

Annie looked confused. “Pierce who?”

***

**Five Minutes Later**

“…and he literally ran out of this room five minutes ago!” Jeff finished. He glanced around the table and was rewarded with a table full of blank looks.

“So let me get this straight,” said Troy. “Suddenly, none of the rest of us can remember one of our best friends. And that friend is an old guy who's a little racist, a lot homophobic, possibly senile, and prone to 'accidentally' oversharing other people's personal business on Twitter?”

“Yes, because that certainly sounds like someone we would be friends with,” said Shirley.

“Annie, you’re the one who went to check on him,” said Jeff.

“I told you, I just went to the ladies’ room!” said Annie.

“Wait a minute,” said Jeff. “You guys are messing with me because of that stuff I said about wanting a normal semester, right?”

“Or you’re messing with us because we're suddenly too weird for you and you want to teach us a lesson,” said Britta.

“Britta, you were trying to photograph the future. Badly.”

“And that’s somehow stranger than your new imaginary friend Pierce?”

“Does anybody want to know what I think?” said Abed. “Because this seems familiar, but I don’t think I can react to this until Jeff ends the moratorium on television references.”

“NO!” said Jeff and Britta, simultaneously. 

They both got up from the table, and stormed out of the study room in different directions.

***

**Monday Evening**

Several hours later, Jeff Winger was back in the study room, trying to kill Blorgons with a duck. He'd wait just five more minutes, and then he was giving up and going home. Five minutes, or until he figured out how to kill this one last Blorgon. Or possibly until he heard back from Quendra with a Q-U. They'd talked about hooking up some time this semester, and also he'd heard she was already somewhere on level five, and probably had some pointers.

“Jeff,” said a voice from the doorway. “Did you find your friend Pierce?”

“No,” said Jeff. “I was waiting here, figuring he had to come back here eventually. Or that the rest of the group would come back, apologize, and finally let me in on the joke. But I’m taking it from your someone-set-fire-to-a-puppy voice that’s not what’s happening?”

“I’m sorry,” said Annie. “I saw you sitting here, and wanted to let you know that I’ve figured it out.”

“Figured what out?”

“Why my memory’s so faulty. Why I don’t show up on Britta’s camera. I’m not really supposed to be here.”

“What do you mean, you’re not really supposed to be here?”

“I have to say goodbye,” said Annie. “See, the whole thing with pretending to be human was supposed to be only temporary. But I wanted a life, a career, a boyfriend, and a really high GPA. And, well, then I met the group, and for the first time I had friends I really cared about. I was happy. But I think the time has come to admit what I really am.”

“Annie, as one of those friends who also cares about you, I have to tell you this is sounding suspiciously like another Adderall breakdown.”

“Shh,” said Annie, putting a finger to his lips. “I’ll miss you, too. And always wonder what might have been. Just look me up next time you’re in the theater department.”

She kissed him long and hard, and then ran out of the study room.

Jeff was never sure afterward how long he sat there, dazed.

“What did she mean, the theater department?” he said finally.

Jeff had spent most of his time at Greendale avoiding the theater department as much as possible, so he got lost twice, and by the time he found the place, all the lights were out.

“Annie?” he called, fumbling for a switch. He finally found it, and flicked it on for enough light to show him that the door to the prop room was ajar. He could just make out a shadowy human figure.

“Annie, are you in here?” he called, stepping through the doorway.

What he saw made him scream. And maybe pee his pants a little.

***

**Tuesday**

Shirley was the first to find Jeff in the study room the next morning.

“Jeff, you’ve got to help me,” she said. “I think I might be going crazy.” She stopped, noticing his disheveled appearance. “What’s wrong? You look like you haven’t slept.”

“Well, I…” Jeff began. “Never mind. Your crazy first.”

Shirley looked around the room to make sure they were alone, then closed the door, sat next to Jeff, and whispered, “I can hear what people are thinking.”

“What?”

“It started this morning, when I went to drop Ben off at day care. I thought he was saying his first word, but it turns out he can just think the word ‘cupcake’ really loud. Isn’t that cute?” When Jeff failed to respond, she continued, “Anyway, then I got to school and overheard Fat Neil talking about how he was planning a special night with Vicki. He bought flowers and wine, and he’s wearing his lucky yellow boxer shirts. Which I thought was an awfully personal thing to say out loud to the entire room, only then I realized his mouth wasn’t moving, and the rest of the room couldn't hear him.”

“Oh,” said Jeff.

“I can’t have this kind of power, Jeff. You know I have a tiny problem with gossip. I don’t need to know about Leonard’s gambling debts, or Magnitude’s secret obsession with Kate Middleton, or why Troy and Britta’s special place is the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese’s.”

“The ball pit at…?”

“And that’s not the worst of it. Oh, no. I had to go to the Dean’s office to sign some paperwork for my sandwich shop, and…well, I don’t mean to judge, but I’m a good Christian woman and a mother of three children, and there are some thoughts a person just can’t un-hear!”

“Oh Shirley,” Jeff said, and hugged her. “Words cannot express how sorry I am.”

She hugged him back, and then pulled away. “Who’s Annie?” she asked.

“She’s a mannequin.”

“She’s a what, now?”

“She’s a mannequin. You might have seen her recently playing part of the Macy's background in the theater department's production of _Miracle on 34th Street_. They claim she’s always been their mannequin. But before last night, she was our friend for three years. And so was a man named Pierce who disappeared into thin air yesterday.”

Shirley studied him. “You’re not kidding, are you? You really remember them. And you remember me spending time with them. But why can’t I remember?”

“That’s what I can’t figure out,” said Jeff. “This has gone beyond ordinary Greendale.”

“I think I know,” said a voice. 

They looked up to find Abed standing there with Britta and Troy. The three newcomers made their way to their usual seats, Britta holding her digital camera out in front of her and Troy carrying something in a cage.

“So what is it, Abed?” asked Jeff.

“I’ve studied the situation, and I believe we are now in a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It's a land of both shadow and substance, things and ideas,” he paused. “My friends, we have entered the Twilight Zone.”

“Of course we have, Abed,” said Jeff.

***

**A Few Moments of Stunned Silence Later**

“You know, maybe he’s on to something,” said Britta, finally. “Wasn’t there an episode of that show with…with a camera that could take pictures of the future?”

Abed nodded. “Season two.”

“What happened in that one? Didn’t they use it to get rich or something?” asked Troy.

“Actually, they all died,” said Abed. Then, seemingly oblivious to Britta’s shudder, “Shirley, did anything unusual happen this morning before you realized you could read minds?”

Shirley thought a moment. “Nooo…well, wait. I gave a quarter to that nice man outside Ben’s day care who was collecting to save homeless kittens, and when I tossed it in the box, it landed right on its edge. That was a little unusual.”

Abed nodded. “And much like the classic _Twilight Zone_ episode ‘A Penny for Your Thoughts.’ Also from the second season.”

Jeff pondered. He’d seen the show, but mostly during the New Year’s Day marathons, so his memories of it were mixed up with memories of hangovers and strange women’s apartments. Still, wasn’t there that one where the guy was convinced he was being stalked by some sort of cat girl in his dreams? And another one where the woman discovers she’s really a mannequin?

“Abed, is there an episode where people disappear for no reason?” Jeff asked.

“Actually, more than one. That’s why I’m having a more difficult time figuring out your plotline. Troy’s was easier.”

“I don’t like my plotline,” said Troy.

“Show them what’s in the cage,” Britta said.

“I don’t want to. They’re going to think bad things about me,” said Troy.

“It’s okay,” said Britta. “They’re your friends. They won’t judge.”

“What is it, Troy?” asked Shirley.

“Well, you know how the football field has that gopher infestation problem? I was walking past when one of them ran past me and I thought wouldn’t it be cool if I had a gopher with three butts, and…well…” Troy lifted the cage cover.

Everyone recoiled in horror.

“That's...not nice,” said Shirley.

“I know! I created a monster!” said Troy.

“Can't you wish that away?!” said Jeff.

“I don’t think you should tell them what you did to the Human Being,” Britta stage-whispered to Troy.

“I don’t want this kind of power,” said Troy.

“Of course you don’t,” said Abed. “You've always been wary of great power and the corresponding great responsibility. You were afraid of it as a rising football star, and you’re afraid of it now at the air conditioning repair school. Classic set-up for a karmic twist ending. Shirley’s Achilles’ heel is gossip, and now she can hear everyone’s secrets. Britta desperately wanted to photograph something meaningful. And Jeff…”

“Hey, I did not want all my friends to start disappearing!”

"But what did you want?"

"To have a normal semester. To get a chance to spend some time with my new phone. For once, to not have to deal with everybody's crazy problems."

Abed nodded. “Exactly.”

“One thing I don’t understand, Abed,” said Britta. “Why isn’t any of this zone-y business working you?”

Abed sighed. “Frankly, I have no idea. I always assumed in this situation I would wind up disappearing into a cinematic fantasy world of my own creation much like Barbara Jean Trenton, movie queen of a past era, does in the classic episode ‘The Sixteen Millimeter Shrine.’ But so far that hasn’t happened.”

“Okay, Abed," said Jeff. "I think I speak for everyone when I say I'm glad you're still here. Not the least because you’re the only one who can answer this question: If we’re in the Twilight Zone, how do we get out?”

“I don’t think we can,” said Abed. “I think we just have to hold on and wait for the inevitable twist.”

“And what is that?”

“I don’t know. It depends on whose story this is.”

***

**Twenty Minutes Later**

On their way outside, Britta and Jeff passed Chang poking a stick in one of the vents.

“I know you’re in there!” he was shouting. “I’ll prove you exist!”

“Hey, do you think this is maybe Chang’s Twilight Zone?” asked Britta. “Because you remember that one episode with Shatner…?”

“Nah, I think Chang’s just a big bundle of completely unrelated crazy,” said Jeff. "Besides, I'm not sure I buy Abed's theory that one of us is driving this, and the world may or may not go back to normal when that person learns whatever he or she was supposed to learn."

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” said Britta. “The one thing I know is that it can’t be my story.”

“Why?”

“My plotline’s the worst. I mean, come on, a camera that can take pictures of the future? You want to know what I’ve done with it? See, here’s a picture of a regurgitated hairball. Taken before my cat Walter barfed it up. Here’s a shot of some buttered noodles, before Abed started making dinner. There’s a brick. Despite the passage of time, it’s still a brick.” She scrolled quickly past a shot of what looked like a sheet of paper.

“What’s that?”

“That’s my Abnormal Psych take-home quiz. I thought I’d try to photograph the answers in advance. Only it turns out in the future, I got a D+. And everyone’s right. It's all out of focus and my hand is in the frame and, prophetic or not, my pictures are just bad.”

“So you’re not good at everything.”

“I’m terrible. Let’s see the future of this street in front of us.” She took a picture, then handed the camera to Jeff. "Oh, look. Blurry. Once again, I Britta'd it."

Jeff studied the shot. “Britta, your thumb’s not in this shot.”

“Well, good for me,” she said as she walked away. 

“But I think that shape in the bottom corner is Professor Duncan’s car! Britta, look out!”

There was a squeal of breaks and the inevitable sickening thud.

Jeff saw Britta thrown into the air. He raced over, past a confused Duncan opening the door of his smart car and muttering “What happened?” and rushed to the other side of the car, where he was sure saw her land. 

There was nobody there.

“Did you see a woman?!” he shouted at Duncan.

“A woman? My God, did I hit someone?”

No Britta. No body. No obvious dent in Duncan’s car. Jeff looked over to where he thought he’d dropped Britta’s camera. It, too, was gone.

“No. Not anymore.”

“Well, thank God for that! What happened? Why am I stopped in the middle of the road?”

“Duncan, go home. No, don’t go home. Give me your keys, leave the car, and go to your office to sleep it off. Lock the door and don’t let anything strange in. And don’t dream about any cat women.” 

***

**Tuesday Afternoon**

Jeff had no idea why he thought the Dean would be his last hope.

“Jeffrey, I’ve been through all of Greendale’s student records, and there is no record of a Britta Perry, an Annie Edison, or a Pierce Hawthorne ever being enrolled. Besides, I _know_ you and your study group. We’ve had some great times together. Remember that weekend we all went camping?”

“Dean, I’m telling you, they were real. They were here. Something is erasing my friends out of existence, and if it wasn’t for the fact Troy seems to be well on his way to becoming some sort of capricious godlike being, I’d think all of this was my fault.”

A car horn blared from somewhere nearby.

“Come on, Dean. You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed anything strange going on around here.”

The Dean pondered. “Well, come to think of it, I haven’t seen the Human Being since this morning…”

The car horn blared again. Louder this time. A very disheveled Professor Duncan burst through the door.

“Dean Pelton, I’ve got to confess. I thought I could get away with it, but my car has somehow come to life, developed a bit of a conscience, and threatened to run me over if I don’t admit my guilt. See, I had a bit too much to drink before getting behind the wheel this morning, and…well…it was I who ran into and seriously dented the statue of Luis Guzmán.”

“See?” said Jeff. 

He walked out of the Dean’s office, and almost ran into Leonard.

“I’ve got to hide!” said Leonard. “The lottery ticket machine from the Quick Stop down the street is stalking me. I told it I didn't want to buy any more scratchers, but if I don't it'll kill me!”

As Leonard ran off in the direction, Jeff turned and nearly collided with Garrett.

"We've got to get some help! In the dorms! Pavel accidentally fell out of bed and into the fourth dimension!"

"Well, good luck with that," said Jeff. He turned from Garrett and almost ran into Quendra with a Q-U.

"I don't know what do! I'm being stalked by own other self from a parallel universe. She looks just like me, but she spells Kendra with K!"

Jeff was still trying to think of a response that wasn't both completely unhelpful and completely inappropriate as she ran away. 

He’d almost reached the end of the hall, when tripped over Chang, who was crouched down by a vent. Chang failed to notice, being much too busy shouting at the monkey beside him. Was it still called Annie’s Boobs in a universe where Annie had all but ceased to exist? 

“I don’t know why you don’t believe me!” Chang was saying. “It’s your home, too! Don’t you care that it’s being taken over by a monster?” 

Jeff walked faster, rounded the corner, and nearly ran into a large group of students being lead by Vicki and Fat Neil. Many were brandishing Super Soakers.

“Hi guys, what’s up?” Jeff said.

“Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there are a lot of strange things going on here,” said Fat Neil.

“As a matter of fact, I have,” Jeff started.

“We think one of us is causing it,” said Fat Neil. 

“Yeah, we think somebody here is an alien,” said Vicki. “And we’re going to hunt them down and make them confess!”

“That sounds like a great plan,” said Jeff. “In fact, right after I visit the men’s room, I think I’ll join you.”

“Meet us in the cafeteria!” Fat Neil called after him. “And bring a squirt gun, if you’ve got it! Magnitude thinks he has evidence that aliens are allergic to water!”

Jeff sprinted the rest of the way to the study room, where he found Shirley, Troy and Abed waiting for him.

“I don’t know if any of you noticed the angry mob developing out there,” Jeff began.

Abed nodded. “We’ve reached the point of the plot where, faced with evidence of things they can’t explain, people begin to turn on each other. Much like in the episode ‘The Monsters are Due on Maple Street.’”

“Um…what are they going to do when they find somebody who really does have unusual abilities?” asked Shirley.

Troy looked sick. 

“I think we should get out of here,” said Jeff. He turned to Abed, then Troy and Shirley in turn. “Your place? Your place? Troy and Abed’s place?”

They nodded. Then ran.

***

**Tuesday Evening**

At Troy and Abed’s, it Jeff a few moments to realize what was wrong. No blanket fort in the living room. With both Annie and Britta not living here, it had never been needed.

Shirley finished her call and put down her cell phone. “Andre and the boys are fine. They’re going to stay locked in the house tonight. Abed, Troy, do you mind if I use your kitchen to make us some dinner?”

“Sure. We still have some real food from the last time you cooked for us,” said Abed.

“Any requests?”

“As long as it’s not out of a cookbook called _To Serve Man_ , I think anything you make will be fine,” said Jeff.

“This is so not good,” said Abed.

“What, specifically?” asked Jeff.

“The DVR missed recording the first three minutes of this week’s _Inspector Spacetime_ again.”

Jeff sighed in relief, but Shirley screamed, “No!”

“Um...we can find the episode online later if it’s that important,” said Jeff.

“Not that! Troy! He was thinking about reversing time to go back and reset the DVR. Troy, you can’t do that. That’s playing in God’s domain!”

“She’s right, Troy,” said Abed. “Tinkering with causality and altering your own timeline, especially when there are powerful karmic forces already at work, can have serious consequences. Remember when Constable Reggie…”

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Troy shouted. “Abed, you’re not Shirley. And Shirley, you’re still not my mom. Just because I don’t have cool mind-reading powers like you do…”

He paused, considered. “But I can _wish_ I had cool mind-reading powers like you do.”

Troy and Shirley stared each other down. Jeff could feel, if not hear, the argument developing between them.

“Don’t think that at me!” they both shouted simultaneously.

“Troy, don’t make me put a stop to this,” Shirley said, taking a step forward.

“Shirley, don’t make me wish you into the cornfield!”

“You wouldn’t,” Shirley took another step.

Troy pointed a finger at her.

Shirley vanished.

Troy stared at his own hand in horror, then collapsed to his knees.

“What have I done?” he cried. “I’m a monster! Shirley was my friend! I knew I couldn't handle this kind of power. There’s only one thing to do now.”

“Troy…” Jeff began.

“No, Jeff. I have to end this.”

Troy pointed a finger at his own face, and vanished.

“He wished himself into the cornfield,” Jeff whispered.

The room was silent.

“Abed, was he right? Is it over? Do we get out of the Twilight Zone now?”

There was no response.

Jeff turned. The room was empty.

On the television, _Inspector Spacetime_ continued to play. Jeff watched the Inspector climbed into his phone booth, followed by Constable Reggie.

They were in turn followed by Abed, who took the briefest moment to overcome his usual distaste for breaking the fourth wall long enough turn toward the screen and wave before joining the pair in their phone booth, which promptly vanished. 

***

**Tuesday Night**

Jeff drove down empty streets back to the Greendale campus, which was empty. 

Not paintball empty, or the-Dean-is-making-us-film-a-commercial empty. Not even aftermath-of-an-angry-mob empty. Tables in the cafeteria were upright. Books were on the library shelves. Desks stood in neat rows in classrooms, ready to be used.

The campus was simply deserted.

“Dean Pelton? Leonard? Chang?” Jeff called down empty hallways. “Where is everybody?”

He pulled out his phone to text somebody, anybody, but his contact list was blank.

He sat down, defeated, staring the screen. Well, there was still Ducks vs. Blorgons…

He selected the app, and had just enough time to notice the low battery warning before the screen went blank.

“I suppose I should have seen that coming,” said Jeff.

The lights went out.

"That too," he said.

Jeff tapped frantically at his phone. “Look, I’m sorry! This is clearly all my fault, and I'm sorry! I’ll always listen to Abed the first time! I won’t take my friends for granted! I’ll appreciate Greendale in all its quirkiness from now on, and I’ve learned my lesson, whatever it is! Somebody, anybody, answer me!”

***

“Jeff?”

“…please, just answer me!”

“Jeff?”

He recognized voice calling his name. He opened his eyes. There was light, and there was…

“Annie?”

“Jeff, are you okay?”

“Annie, you’re not made of plastic!”

“Professor Duncan, is he hallucinating?”

“Probably. Oh, this is brilliant! A full seventy-two hours in isolation without any electronic devices, and you only started to really lose touch with reality during the last forty-eight. Jeff Winger, I didn’t know you had it in you!”

Jeff opened his eyes completely, and saw Annie, Pierce, Britta, Shirley, Abed and Troy bending over him.

“Guys, you’re all alive! And also not in a cornfield.”

“Jeff, do you remember where you are?” asked Britta.

Slowly, Jeff did. “I was participating in Professor Duncan’s research study on isolation and media addiction. It was supposed to be easy. A few days of time to myself, and I’d make enough money for a new phone…”

“We were going to check on you, and Duncan wouldn’t let us in. He was explaining how that would defeat the whole purpose of an isolation study when we heard you screaming,” said Troy.

“So we came in anyway,” said Abed. "Britta broke the door down."

“What happened to you in there?” asked Pierce.

“I was having the strangest dream. And you were there, and you were there, and you were…you know what? Never mind. I think I’m ready to go home now. Duncan, give me my five hundred bucks.”

Jeff stood up, let himself be embraced in a group hug, then grabbed his money and counted it. “You know what?” he said to the study group again. “Never mind going home. I’ve got nothing left to do for the rest of the day. Who’s up for Denny’s? My treat.”

“I was just thinking about pancakes,” said Troy.

Just then, out of the corner of his eye, Jeff noticed some movement from behind the vent grate. For a split second, he could see something in there. Something that seemed a little bit fuzzier than a man and a little bigger than a monkey…

“What is it?” asked Abed.

Jeff shrugged and smiled. “Nothing. Probably just something living in the vent again.”

“It’s odd how that happens every year,” said Britta.

“Speaking of odd, you won’t believe what I heard about Professor Whitman…” said Shirley.

"Before that, I want to hear what happened to Jeff in isolation," said Annie.

Jeff considered. "Well, I think we all--okay, technically just me--learned an important lesson here..."

The study group surrounded Jeff as he began his speech in earnest, and they walked away together.

***

_Just another typical day for a seven-member study group at a school that's far from typical. They're together now, headed to Denny's led by a man who thought he wanted to experience normal semester, but found out he had what he really wanted the whole time, after he almost misplaced it...in the Twi--_

“Excuse me, sir? There’s no smoking in this building,” said Dean Pelton

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry,” said the man in the suit.

“It’s just that we strive to keep Greendale’s campus a healthy campus,” the Dean said, looking around for a place to helpfully suggest the man dispose of his cigarette. He turned back, “I didn’t catch your name, Mr…”

There was no longer anyone standing there.

“What an odd and attractively dressed man,” said the Dean, as he shrugged and walked away. He had a beginning of the semester dance to plan, and it was time to pick a theme and a an appropriate outfit.

In the vent, something sneezed.

**Author's Note:**

> With profound appreciation for, and apologies to, everyone involved in creating the following Twilight Zone episodes, plus a few others:  
> Nightmare at 20,000 Feet  
> Perchance to Dream  
> It's a Good Life  
> A Most Unusual Camera  
> And When the Sky Was Opened  
> The After Hours  
> Penny for Your Thoughts  
> You Drive  
> Time Enough At Last  
> Where Is Everybody?


End file.
